First off, I must apologize. It was my intention to maintain this blog and to post about the experience that is the graduate program at Cooperstown. One of the good and bad things about it is how busy it keeps you, which I will use as an excuse in this instance.
My classmates and I recently celebrated the conclusion of our first semester. Unfortunately for me, this also comes with some tough decisions. A few posts ago, I explained a bit about the shoulder issues I have been facing for almost two years ago. This summer I was seeing a physical therapist in Iowa and was actually improving. The light seemed to have appeared at the end of the tunnel, and I was so excited to go out to graduate school and do my best. Upon moving out to school, it took over a month before I was able to see a physical therapist in the area, and when I did get in to see her she was unfamiliar with my condition. Although she is very nice, she and her colleagues are not properly equipped to help me at this point. As a result, my shoulder continued to decline over the course of the semester, and began interfering with my school performance more and more often.
Then, shortly before Thanksgiving, I caught the buckle of my shoe on my computer cord and fell onto my arm again. The remainder of the semester was one of the most difficult things I have faced. I am very fortunate that the professors are compassionate and understanding, though I know that their patience has to have been tried. I know without a doubt that my classmates are frustrated, especially due to my inability to contribute to the project to which I had been elected as the head. I was unable to participate in opportunities both inside and outside of the classroom that I was looking forward to, and as the semester grew to a close my frustration peaked. The unfortunate Catch-22 is that, the more frustrated I got, the more pain I was in, and the more pain I was in, the higher my frustration.
The week that classes ended, my boyfriend and I sat down (via webcam) and talked about the possibility of me trying to take some time off. He, more than anyone, has seen the true nature of my shoulder and understands better than anyone else. I know it is often difficult for others to understand, especially because looking at me, you can't tell that anything is wrong. I look fine. But, by the end of the semester, I was averaging 2-3 hours of sleep a night, most of it in the early hours of the morning. I would fluctuate between days of pushing too hard and days of being unable to get out of bed. As someone who was extremely active in what seems like an entirely different life, this is worse than Sartre's No Exit.
The last day of classes the program director called me into her office. She and her colleagues have gone out of their way to show their support and to encourage me, for which I am eternally grateful. She, most of all, seemed to know what I was dealing with. She and I discussed the past semester, as well as the possibility of taking a semester off. She assured me that it was my own decision to make, and that whatever I chose they would help me. They have had students in the past who have taken time off for medical reasons, including one who took off time because of breast cancer. There is still a part of me that feels...I'm not sure what the word is, but I feel like my problems are nothing compared to breast cancer and they aren't. My issue is merely an inconvenience, not a threat to my life. But I also know that without some sort of major change, I will be to get through another semester like the one I just went through.
At this point, I have not made a decision one way or the other. I am seeing my regular Iowa pt as often as I can, and have an appointment back at Mayo to see what options we have as far as pain management. I haven't seen them since my last diagnosis, so hopefully they will have some new information for me. The absolute last thing that I want is to miss a semester. I absolutely love the program, the professors, and the museum network that it has already allowed me to begin to form. Taking medical leave would mean still paying rent on the house where I'm living, figuring out student loans and financing, getting behind in classwork and becoming more distant from my classmates. It would also push back Nate and my plan to actually live in the same place, as unfortunately the Cooperstown area doesn't offer a whole lot of job opportunities. So at this point, the hope is that I can get significantly better between now and when I fly back out, and have Mayo help me find a better way to manage the situation.
I'm sorry, as I meant to keep this blog more impersonal. My vision was to in a way review books and articles we'd read, talk about trips we took and use this as a sounding board for ideas about class discussions. Perhaps I'll get back to that, so in the meantime, please excuse the excess of personal humdrum.
Here's to a happy, healthy 2010!
